Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
