I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
