If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
