Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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