I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
