guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
