just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
