eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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