genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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