I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
