I cut my penus on the lid.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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