How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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