The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
