peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
cat food counts as protein by the way
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You left your phone here
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