you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
