Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
