where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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