I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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