Please, let me fuck your mom
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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