tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
All the doctor said was why
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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