Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
