the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
