my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
