someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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