saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
