I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
