watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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