My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
