I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
