we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she told me i tasted like america
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
