Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
