Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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