i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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