Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
