I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
