I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
