I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
