Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
