he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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