So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My dad just said "fuck circus"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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