You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
