You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
