see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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