note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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