I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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