Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
