If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
