either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
