he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
