I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
