We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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