every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
